How to Fix America's Midlife Male Friendship Crisis

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The idea that midlife male friendships are in trouble seems to be widely accepted by experts and everyday conversation. Many believe that men are increasingly becoming isolated as they get older, which could be bad for their well-being and relationships with others. However, is it true that midlife male friendships are in crisis?

“ Receiving those messages over and over could make a guy feel down on his luck and lonely about his life. It could also be a wake-up call to make some changes and start fresh.”

In the United States, men on average have far less experience freely discussing their emotions, expectations, and needs. Women tend to learn these skills through their friendships, something that men have not previously been socially conditioned to do in the same manner. While this is likely true (consider your partners, sisters, and mothers who tend to be social), men may not be given a fair reputation here.

While it's true that making or deepening male friendships can be difficult, especially for men in their 40s or older, there's a growing group of men who recognize the value of building strong connections with other guys.

typically during our late teens and twenties, many guys bond with their peers through sports teams, nights out socializing, or games of cards or pool. These shared experiences foster a sense of camaraderie and create lasting memories. The group of friends you have during this time can become a tight-knit support system, accompanying you through significant milestones like launching a career, finding romantic relationships, and considering starting a family.

A German-born entrepreneur, Christian Duerr, acknowledges that he didn't put much effort into maintaining friendships from his younger years. However, he claims that his top three male friends are people he met during his youth. “One of my closest friends today is someone I met when I was twelve. He is like a brother to me. I can talk about anything with him,” says Duerr. He also notes, “Although I couldn't possibly bring all three of my best friends together in the same room as they're all so different and wouldn't get along, they're all very important to me.”

He is now a divorced father of two, in a new relationship, and is sixty years old. Although he hasn't made many new friends as an adult, he is willing to connect with other men who share his values and hobbies, particularly since he lives in New York and most of his close friends are in Europe.

The common perception is that many men don't usually delve deeper into meaningful conversations with other men as they get older. It's not common for guys to sit around and discuss issues such as erectile dysfunction or feelings of inadequacy about their jobs. Instead, the American male has been socialized to be independent, self-sufficient, and strong, rather than vulnerable or insecure.

Our ability to open up to other men is often shaped by our family background, as well as the social, cultural, religious, and ethnic environments we grow up in. American men often establish emotional barriers around themselves, yet more and more are recognizing the negative impact this has on their mental health in the long run.

to name a few.

Ask middle-aged men if they have many new guy friends, and they'll often say they've only met other men through their social lives, which are often built by their wives or partners. Maybe they became friends with fathers on their kids' sports teams, or they're on good terms with men they work with as they advance in their careers.

But many of these relationships are superficial, lacking true emotional depth, and they often fade away as children grow older or careers slow down.

It seems like men generally enjoy keeping things casual and having a good time," says Kevin O'Malley, a former hedge fund manager. According to him, that level of closeness that women share with other women just isn't the same. "When weighty issues come up, men will offer support and advice, but that's a far cry from the level of involvement women have in each other's lives.

As men reach their fifties and later, they often have decreasing numbers of close male friends, which can put them at risk of becoming socially isolated, feeling lonely, and even experiencing depression, especially since life expectancy is increasing.

Results from a joint study by boutique ad agency Berlin Cameron and research and strategy firm BSG found that 44 percent of men in corporate jobs feel that their time at work is their most lonely time of the day, and they are more likely than women to rely on others for support when they are struggling at the office.

According to a Pew Research study, 27% of men between the ages of fifty and sixty-four are currently not married, whereas 21% of those who are sixty-five and older are also single. With increased life expectancies approaching eighty years, many men may not remarry, highlighting the significance of friendships and a sense of community. However, single men aren’t the only ones who face this reality.

I've noticed a similar pattern in my own family. When I was younger, my dad had several male friends through his work. However, after he retired, those relationships seemed to end. Nowadays, I genuinely can't recall him having any close male friendships. Instead, he often relies on my mom for social interaction.

It's the same with my brother Matt. A father of three grown sons, it's his wife, Debbie, who creates their social life.

When I texted my brother Joe to ask him about his close male friends, I got a text back saying, “I have no friends.” At 60 and single, his response wasn't entirely unexpected. Although he later told me that he has six good friends who he has programmed on speed dial. When I asked him how often he sees them, his response was, “almost never.”

I've been making a conscious effort to develop new friendships with interests in common, particularly with fellow males, like runners and hikers - a fellow marathon runner named Keith and a hiker named Marty. I met them later in life, in my fifties. In 2023, Keith, Marty, and I accomplished a nine-day hike to the Everest Base Camp and completed the Tenzing Hillary Everest marathon thereafter.

At times, we were feeling completely drained and rundown, but we relied on each other for emotional support, and we found ourselves opening up in ways that wouldn't normally happen on a casual evening out at dinner. This shared experience led to in-depth conversations about our lives, our deepest fears, our hopes for the future, our dreams, and the reality of our mortality. As a result, we formed a lifelong bond and feel secure knowing that we can be completely honest and vulnerable with each other, no matter what challenges come our way.

Craig Shirley is a 61-year-old former CEO of a semiconductor services firm in the Silicon Valley area. With a family of three children, after his company was sold, he chose to leave the routine of work behind.

I started working on my first project after retiring. For four months, I spent time under my staircase rewiring and labeling data cables in my old house. I really enjoy working alone, but I've found that if my wife didn't schedule social activities for us, my mental health would struggle.

When Shirley recognized he lacked genuine male friendships, he decided to concentrate on making a change. As an enthusiastic motorcycle enthusiast, he centered on discovering a group with whom he could share his passion. He also ventured into golf, a sport he had never previously played.

"I wasn't an athlete in school, so I decided to challenge myself in that area, even though it was a bit intimidating," he says, recognizing that my golf game still needs a lot of work.

But Shirley decided to tackle a different approach. Rather than keeping everything on the surface, he's now being more open with the guys he meets through golf. "I confided in another golfer about my concerns about learning this new sport at this stage of life. That led to a much deeper level of friendship," he says.

Men in midlife can learn to break through old habits of how they interact with each other and form deeper connections by going through experiences that shake up their usual ways of relating, such as serious health issues, close calls, or traumatic events.

When my friend Steve was heartbroken after a painful divorce at the age of fifty, it motivated him to ask for the support he needed to get through it. He laid his emotions bare with me, tears streaming as he mourned his loss, and we ended up embarking on some of the most profound discussions we'd ever had about love, loss, heartache, and what truly matters in life.

Shirley explained that when a male friend diagnosed with cancer told him he loved him, it motivated Shirley to express his own love, resulting in a deeper friendship.

Sean Galla, who refers to himself as Founder and Facilitator, has established a business called MENSGROUP, an online community for men that caters to support groups for men navigating through divorce, addressing issues related to cheating and infidelity, overcoming porn addiction, and more. With over 200 monthly meetings, men have the flexibility to select the topics most pertinent to their needs.

We've worked with thousands of individuals and 92 percent of them have told us that they don't have friends to talk to," says Galla, adding that "men haven't been taught how to come together to work through their personal issues.

Women's groups led by Dacher Keltner, aka Galla, are made up of mostly 35 to sixty-year-old women who maintain confidentiality. "The number one fear for most men is to appear weak," says Dacher Keltner.

There are other men's groups with their own approach, including Secret Sons, ManKind Project, and Evryman. All of them aim to help men connect with one another and form lasting friendships.

Todd Davis, fifty-nine, a successful real estate broker in the Laguna Beach area and co-owner of a high-end rental company in Santa Fe, met his five closest friends after he was forty-five years old.

Davis states Chris, with whom he has been in a relationship for thirty-seven years, is his absolute best friend. The others he met through his work and they are both straight and gay men. According to him, there is no significant difference in what he discusses with each of them.

The article "Can Gay and Straight Men Really Be Friends?" revealed that "bromosexual" friendships are thriving. In a survey of 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men, most men said they had at least one friend who had a different sexual orientation.

Many of the straight men reported having more emotionally open and vulnerable conversations with their gay friend because they felt more comfortable doing so.

Some people believe that men's friendships are becoming more meaningful and less superficial. This shift is partly credit to influential men like fathers and uncles, teachers, coaches, and other older men who model healthy male relationships, as well as to media portrayals that convey that it's acceptable to rely on male friends for support.

My nephew Andy, a former Marine who did two tours in Iraq and saw action in Fallujah, sets a great example as a father. He's a guy who hugs his kids, tells them he loves them, and lets them know it's okay to be sensitive, emotional, and open-minded, just as much as it is to be athletic and studious.

Duerr said he advises his twenty-something year old son to care for his friendships and make an effort to deepen them over time. Developing a new generation of men who place a higher value on relationships beyond just gaming together is not only beneficial for men, but also for their families, communities, and society in general.

For people in midlife, showing other men and younger men in our lives that we can form meaningful connections with each other will result in different kinds of stories for the future. A headline I wish to see? "The era of new male friendships in midlife has arrived."

We're all on this journey together. It'll be a lot more enjoyable if we have more friends to share it with as we progress down the road.